6 secrets for long-distance relationship success

If you’re faced with making a long distance relationship (LDR) work then you already know: it is daunting. But if you both want to get through it and come out the other side with a healthy relationship then I have good news! It is very much possible, especially in the age of texting/video chatting.

There is a solid understanding in our society that long distance is the wrong distance in a happy and successful relationship. However, when that aspect isn’t 100% in your control, it can be a temporary descriptor instead of the reason to call it quits. Although it isn’t always fun, it is a means to an end. The end that has you two together again.

I wanted to write this post because my brother recently joined the military and my mom was essentially flailing around wondering how to go about life without him. Although that is a different relationship, the principles that worked for my husband and I pass the test! Platonic, romantic, parent-child, whatever. It can work.

My successful LDR experience 

My now-husband and I made it through an LDR with over 3000 miles and a 6 hour time difference apart for nearly 2 years in our first few years and we were so good at it that we ended up doing it again (1000 miles and no time difference) for about 10 months a couple years later. I know that it makes us a stronger couple because we both know the true value of being together as well as maintaining the will to keep it that way without the benefitting from the regular perks of companionship.

Now I could go all self-deprecating and tell you that we aren’t perfect but I honestly know and believe we have an amazing relationship and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And we probably could give our long-distance days some credit for that strength and unconditional love.

a few things you should prepare for

Although I appreciate our distance now, in hindsight, it’s not always easy. I cannot by any means count the number of times I cried because I missed him or wished my life looked differently because I hated being apart.

Also, because of the dissatisfaction of being apart and forfeiting the best parts of being in a relationship (particularly in your early twenties) there were absolutely times of doubt. It can be easy to want to be caught up with other things/people/passions.

But if you really want to make a long distance relationship work, you will need to know and live by these rules.

How to make a long-distance relationship work: the rules

1. Always have a light at the end of the tunnel 

At every point in time, you both need a plan of when you will see each other again. Because the hardest part about the distance is exactly that: the distance. It’s a game of eliminating that distance as often as possible!

Immediately after every trip, we were plotting our next get-together. It makes the days so much easier when you know the next time you’ll see each other instead of wondering and worrying.

When we were 1000 miles apart (Florida to New York) we made a 3 week rule. We alternated visits every 3 weeks. I would go up for a weekend, the  3 weeks later he would come down.

In my mom’s case, she knew she would see him after boot camp graduation.

2. find time to talk every day

No excuses. Even if it’s a quick text or Facebook message. Relationships are hard to nurture without distance. And since you don’t have a lot of opportunities to capitalize on physical intimacy, nurturing each other’s social needs is critical.

absolutely critical.

communication is key at every point in every relationship, so finding time to talk (in any capacity) will not only help the relationship last but will help it thrive.

If you’re lost on things to talk about, let me know because I smell another post on that specific subject. But the first big hurdle I want to address is for those of us who can’t always reach each other every day.

either because one of you has a demanding job or is stuck on a submarine, let this serve as a reminder that communication comes in all shapes and sizes. The trick isn’t finding the time to talk, but making the time happen and being flexible on what “talking” is. Lol

for example, Facebook messages count. A simple, “I love you and miss you” or funny picture can go a long way when communication opportunities are limited.

During my brother’s boot camp, just writing him regular letters (and sometimes receiving some back) helped.

3. Give gifts!

Indulging each other’s Love languages is difficult with distance. But gift giving is an awesome way to not only give your partner something they’d love, but to help them have a physical memento while you’re away from each other.

They don’t have to be expensive gifts either. I was broke, so the biggest expense for me was the shipping, but I sent things like a blanket sprayed with my perfume and cheesy  “open when…” letters. 

Care packages are always awesome.

4. The 4 drink rule

We agreed to max out alcohol consumption at 4 drinks. This might be the holy grail of instilling trust throughout a long distance relationship. We swear by it. 

Drinking is already not the best hobby/habit/indulgence, and everybody knows it can screw up your life if you overdo it. As wild 22 year old kids trying to make a long distance relationship work, we chose to hold each other accountable to the 4 drink rule and like I said, we swear by it.

Without a limit in mind, it’s easy to make excuses for bottomless mimosa brunches or one-off events. And it’s those situations that can lead to undesirable circumstances and choices (which I’ll leave to your imagination). We both agreed that 4 drinks was the place where we still felt in control of our actions without completely sacrificing a normal aspect of our lives. These days the limit would probably be even lower (30 comes at you fast lol).

For clarification, 1 shot/beer/glass of wine/cocktail = 1 drink. 

This is not relevant for my mom & brother lol, but in theory if there is some health concern or something similar then there are “rules” that can be put in place for peace of mind.

5. plan for the future

Aside from the next trip in one direction or the other, making plans for what you want the relationship to look like after the distance is fun and inspiring. It doesn’t have to be very specific, and it can always change, but fantasizing about where you’ll live, whether or not you’ll share a car, what you’ll do on the weekends, and what you’ll make for dinner can prepare you and get really frickin’ excited!

The big takeaway to remember is that those visits are mini-vacays. Once you’re truly together, there’s a ton of life stuff to fold into the mix.

When I would visit him in Germany, it was all trips and trains and having fun. We didn’t have to deal with each other after a long day of work or when the fridge was empty. And he would come home to me and I would put my whole life on pause to cater to him and our short time together! It was awesome, but in the time between our get-togetherness we plotted my move, household essentials, and a ton of life stuff to set us up for the next phase.

6. Ask the right questions

Instead of spending this time questioning fidelity nonstop, there are other questions that are much more valuable. 

*I’m not saying cheating is something to ignore, but if you’re following the 4 drink limit and constantly communicating & planning for the future, then odds are you wouldn’t need to “question” faithfulness.

The right questions are things you would ask if you were together. This can range from simple stuff like what are you having for dinner? To more intimate questions about their upbringing and what they wish was different from childhood.

It’s a relationship. Planning can only go so far and can leave us feeling antsy for the future and ultimately sad in the present. And that’s no way to live life. So even though you aren’t together in the physical sense, you are still together in the challenges facing every relationship. 

and frankly, it’s better to learn as much as you can ASAP. Imagine this: after working so hard to make it work, you get together and realize he doesn’t want to have kids or refuses to live where you want to live. Obviously those are not hard and fast dealbreakers for everyone, but you each have your own dealbreakers and those need to get worked out in any relationship.

find the time to figure those out and discover them like any other couple.

Making it work always takes effort

It doesn’t matter if they live across the country or you both share the same bed every night. Holding together any relationship is a joint effort. Sometimes we have to pick up each other’s slack when our other half is weighed down with work/school/kids/etc, and a long distance relationship is not much different.

Prioritizing the tips I listed aren’t very far off from any old run-of-the-mill boyfriend/girlfriend situation. In summary (because this is getting long and I can almost guarantee you’re on your phone {same}), those tips are:

1. Look forward to the next visit (and solidify those dates ASAP!)

2. Communicate in some way every.single.day.

3. give gifts/something tangible

4. Limit alcohol or any cause for distrust

5. Make plans for future visits and the end to the distance 

6. Learn everything you can about each other and changing goals/desires/lifestyles.

ok that’s all folks! I hope this is helpful in some way. Please ask me any questions because I love to talk about how we’ve made it work so well lol!

Happy chatting!